This post started as a rant about people who don’t assume control of their own happiness. I had a lot of anger and could not understand, a couple days ago, how some people can live in such a way that they have no motivation or initiative to improve their individual situations. And that’s exactly it: I have no idea what it feels like to live like that. I haven’t always appreciated it, but I now realize I’m fortunate to have always been willing to seek help if I was feeling stuck. And when there are unhappy people in my life who are not willing or able to do that, it troubles me because I don’t know how to help them.

I understand that vulnerability does not come easily to everyone. And while I’m not a therapist, I can speculate why. Fear of rejection or criticism. Low self esteem. Perceived weakness. Depression. And yet, Brené Brown says “vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” This is my personal dilemma: How do I convince someone –or can I?–who may not even recognize their aversion to vulnerability that the benefits of “walking into hard moments,” as Brené calls them, is so worth it? That–sorry, one more Brenéism–vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measurement of courage.

Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. In other words, that 90% is all about choices. If something bad–or sad or wrong or unfair or stupid or unlucky–happens, I make a conscious effort to turn it into something positive. If i didn’t, I would end up dwelling in the negative residue of whatever happened. And the only thing that comes from that is more bad feelings and a downward spiral into even worse ones. I reject offers of help and say hurtful things to people I love. Eventually it becomes easier to stay in the depths than it is to struggle my way out. Either way, I have made a choice. And just as I may choose to stay in the dark places, surrounded by hopelessness and fear, I can also decide I’d rather be happy. So one day I make a different choice. Then another. And another. Soon, the world starts looking brighter and I can see past the doom and gloom that had enveloped me before.

I do not mean to trivialize what could be clinical depression. I recognize finding happiness may not be that easy for everyone. That professional help and/or medication may also be required. But even turning to those options is a choice; one that demonstrates a desire to change. I stand by my affirmation that for each of us, our individual happiness starts with the choices we make. If we are not happy, we have the ability to make different choices and change the narrative.

And, as Brené says, we don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.